An Unsorry Apology

Why do people think that “I’m sorry” fixes everything? Like do they actually think that saying those 2 little words will erase anything that was done. If I could get $1 for every time that someone did something to me and tried to erase it with an “I’m sorry” I would never have to work again.

The amount of times that I have heard that are ridiculous. And guess what? After all of those “I’m sorrys” I am still sitting here hurt. Physically, mentally, or whatever was damaged is still there. I just don’t get it. Instead of saying “i’m sorry” just don’t do the action that provoked this apology. How hard is it NOT to hurt someone that you love? I don’t know. Maybe I have a different way of thinking.

I wonder if it’s my condition that makes me this way. I can not get over damage with those words. To me those words are said, heartfelt or not, but then you turn around and BAM, you’re hurt again. And then another “i’m Sorry” It is a vicious cycle. Then the thought comes, well the I’m sorrys can not really mean anything, because another storm is coming. I wish those words were never invented. And people just had to stand up and be accounted for their mistakes.

Of course I sit here and relive whatever it was that caused the apology in my head. Because I can’t let it go, I’m not Elsa, I can’t turn things into ice. I can not just get over things and forget that they happened. I will keep it in my head and it will eat away at me.

I can not explain that nor admit it to anyone face to face. I can not and never will use my mental condition as an excuse to act a certain way. I will just shut down and keep it to myself. The pain will eat away at me, and eventually it will be added to the vault of horror(my secret hiding place for all my pain) and will come out when the thoughts break the vault open.

So no, I’m sorry is just 2 words. 2 words that can be said by anyone, at anytime, for anything. It needs to be understood that these are words. That is it words. An I’m sorry isn’t shit if the I’m sorry isn’t followed by I’m sorry actions.

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The Sadness Behind The Smile

You ever see people that always have a smile on their face and wonder if they are really happy or are they just trying to hide all the sadness from the world?

I am one of those people. I used to be good at putting a huge smile on my face and dying on the inside. I could always cover it up. Hide it. Now? Things have changed. My world is crashing below me, I am smiling and strong on the outside. So I thought. I have multiple people almost on a daily basis asking me what is wrong because I look so down. When did I get so transparent? Can strangers really look at me and see hell in my eyes?

The things that I have experienced in life, in my eyes are unimaginable. I could never watch a movie if it contained my life story. It not possible. However, I can not thrive on my past even though it haunts my every thought, my every dream, but I get up, try to smile, cry in silence. I mean, if I cried out loud, there wouldn’t be anyone there that could save me. It is like I am walking through life like a robot. Wake up, go to work, come home, clean, cook dinner, do homework with the kids, take a shower go to bed. Monday through Friday.Saturday and Sunday usually include a day of depression and a day of cleaning.Yet everyday I use every piece of strength in me to not frown. The sadness is over whelming. I suppose that is why my smile can not hide it anymore.

It is so hard to find anything that brings me joy. Even when those little moments do happen, they leave faster than they come. It’s like I am faking a smile. When my kids want me to be proud of an accomplishment they did, yes I am proud. Yes, I am so happy for them. I give them words of encouragement. Then I walk away, and sadness creeps back in.

I can’t give up though. I have 4 wonderful kids that would be destroyed inside if I did. So I just keep living this life. One day they will be grown, and fabulous, and happy in what they have become. But I ask myself, will I be able to actually be happy?? Or will it be a short break in the road of sadness. I do not know how to get back to enjoying life. I guess until then I will just try to smile to hide the sadness.