An unfit perfect Mother

I blamed my Mom for a lot of things in my life. If she hadn’t done this, I wouldn’t have done that, if she had just helped me more, I wouldn’t have been in so much trouble, if she had been around more, I wouldn’t have felt so alone. I never felt loved while I was growing up from her, so I never depended on her. I blamed every action and repercussion on her. Not once in my growing up did I ever take any responsibility for myself. It was always her fault. When I became old enough to understand that she was a single mother, not by choice, but because my real father left her for another woman, and never paid child support. She worked 6 days a week to provide for me and my sister. Well then I learned to hate him. She remarried, and in walks this man. Needless to say, my destructive path was already blooming. As I got older it got worse. I had no fear of my Mom or my Dad(step dad) and I did whatever I wanted. I left my parent’s house for good when I was 17, and moved to the city. Bouncing from house to house, I was homeless. Started gang banging, doing and selling drugs. Getting jumped by groups of guys, and girls, jumping on guys and girls, robbing people, stealing from stores, you name it. Not once did I ever let my Mom know if I was ok. The only time I called was when I wanted money.

I had a conversation with my Mom a few years back, she told me that after I left home, she prayed I made it to my 18th birthday…..that hit hard. But not hard enough. I continued on only really talking to her when I needed something, or after I started having kids when they needed something. I was never a good daughter because I thought she wasn’t a good Mom. A couple years ago, my car got repossessed, again I call her. She laid into me, telling me I only call when I want something and that good stuff. I hung up on her. Since then, I think I have barely asked her for anything. Well last year her and my Dad flew out for my son’s 8th grade graduation. Again it was tense. Nothing had ever been mended between me and my Mom. We got into it real bad. I finally told her how I felt. How shitty it is to be going through hell and her never checking up on me, how since I am not the perfect daughter like my sister I get treated like an outsider. How this weekend was supposed to be about my son and she made it about her, and finally that I didn’t think she loved me, that she only tolerated me because I was her daughter. Later that night she apologized and said she loved me. I of course blew it off. Thinking to myself it’s too late for all of that.

Since being a single mother of 4, and getting my head straight about a lot of things, my mind set is changing. It really hit me on Xmas, when my 9 year old made a present for his father, the father that has been locked up twice in front of him, the father that has never been there for him, the father that does not help with his kids one bit. There was no present for me. The one that walks and takes buses and trains to work everyday, the one that puts food on the table, the one that won’t eat so there is enough food for them, the one who helps with homework, the one who has never left their side, the one who always puts them first, the one that struggles to get them everything they need, and mostly what they want. There was not one thought of me this Xmas. That hurt so bad, I didn’t let them see it though.

As I sat in my room and cried, I thought about my Mom. I thought about all the times that this probably happened to her. I thought about how hard it must’ve been for her raising us alone. At that moment I forgave her for everything, even though she did nothing wrong. I got it though. The whole time I thought she was being an unfit Mother, while in reality she was being the perfect Mother, the best way she knew how.

38 years later, I finally told her yesterday how much I appreciate her and that I have no idea what I would do without her. Her response? “I have always been here” and she has. It just took me a long time and a lot of life experience to figure that out. All I can say is that through all my mistakes and blames, it is such a weight lifted off of me that I finally have that relationship with my Mom that I have always wanted. I don’t just text or call her when I want something anymore. I have to say I wouldn’t trade my Mom for anyone in the world.

An Invisible Presence

How can someone that is not in your life has such an extreme effect on your day????

My kids’ father, we have been separated for almost 3 years. I am going on 14 years of knowing him. He is married, currently locked up in another state with his new wife, and yet is still having a profound negative reaction on my life. How????

I get assistance from the state for daycare, for my daughter. It is the only way that I am making it right now. I do not have 700.00 to pay out of pocket for her. Our state daycare is linked to our public aid system, and you have to have your case redetermined every six months. Mine is currently at that state. I get a letter saying that I am going to get cancelled because it is showing in the public aid system that my kid’s father lives with me. In order to get this changed I would need to go to public aid during working hours, which is the exact hours I am at work. Yesterday was the cut off, yesterday was also an appointment for my 12 year old who we just found out he has anemia, it was for the specialist, first time appointment, I had to cancel. If I don’t cancel the appointment, get to public aid, get the system switched, get on the phone with the daycare, I will lose my funding. I get to public aid, I am called quickly, the case worker updates the system, I leave, get on the phone with daycare, tell them it is set, the woman walks my case over to the specialist, everything is al good. Right? Wrong. Get a call later from daycare stating that the system is not updated. She will give it til Thursday. Anxiety waiting game begins. All because my kid’s father used my address at some point in time and it got through to public aid. That is really not that big of a deal right? Simple. No.

Yesterday, I decided to go through a detailed report of my credit. $28,818.00 in debt, on my credit. $17,000.00 directly from him. The rest? Directly associated with him and things I was not able to pay, due to him. I also owe the government about $30,000.00. I was filing unemployment while working. He was either working and taking his checks, or taking whatever was in my account weekly, or not working at all. It was the only thing I could do to survive. Then I went to thinking of all the times I bailed him out of jail, fixed cars he totaled, paid for DUI’s, court costs, probation fees, drug habits………….if I had to guess, this man cost me well over $70,000.00. I will be paying off my credit and unemployment back pay for years just to get it fixed.

As I sit here thinking……..how can he still be doing this to me? I want to move on, I want to be better, I want to be happy. Things that he has done just keep popping up in my life getting in the way of that. It’s like how much negative of an effect can one person have on your life when they aren’t in your life anymore??????

He has done any and everything he can to destroy me, whether it is direct or through my kids. Which yes he does. He knows if he hurts my kids, I hurt. That is was makes this even worse. My kids are fabulous kids. Through everything they have witnessed and been put through, they are amazing to me. Don’t get me wrong, they are not perfect, but I can honestly say that 85% of the time they make it so easy to be a single Mom of 4. I can sit here and say I regret meeting their Dad, but I can’t. Without him, I wouldn’t have them. I am the only constant thing that they have ever had. I am the one that never leaves. I am the one that makes sure they have what they need, I try to get what they ask for. They accept our struggle, they get it.

I suppose in that way I win. But in other ways………I lose. I still have to deal with the daily pain of the pure destruction their Dad did to me, and now dealing with even more past that he destroyed……..I have PTDS mainly because of him, depression, him. If he had not put me through the worst mental and physical hell that I have ever known or felt or witnessed, I honestly believe that I wouldn’t be as mentally destroyed that I am. And although he is out of my life, he still exists every fucking day.