The Happiest Nightmare

I have never tried to get pregnant on purpose. Like clocking my ovulation, know the days when the chances are more likely than not, until last year.

November 2015, took a few home tests that were all positive. December 2nd, my god forbidden birthday, I start bleeding. I go to the doc. There was a baby, but now there’s not. Alone I rode the bus, alone I dealt with this. I was so happy December 1st. December 2nd I could’ve killed myself and not thought twice about it. This was the first time that I had lost a baby that was not my decision. Only one person knew, the father, but he was too busy that day and was in another state. After I found out there was a call made, there was an argument, there was me, alone, doing it myself. Crying to myself, hugging myself. Like always. There wasn’t even an “are you ok”.So here it goes again, on the outside I am good and strong. On the inside I am dying. How much more can one person take??

Easter 2016, another baby is created. By the end of April I had already been in the ER due to bleeding. I was so scared, it was December 2nd, 2015 all over again. However, this time he’s here, this time he is worried with me. The baby was too small to really see, but there was an ultrasound, and a faint heartbeat. It was ok though. This began one of the scariest pregnancies I had been through. My depression was at 100%, my panic attacks were real, my PTSD was unbearable. And he is there, but doesn’t get it. So unintentionally it is made worse. By the time I was 8 weeks, I had been in the ER 3 times and to the doc twice. I had a solid support system while in the hospital, but then none when life set in after. A full time job, full time Mom, a stressful pregnancy, the fear of losing this baby that I want so bad, the physical pain that is there that won’t let me move and the man that picks me apart. I was useless, I was lazy, I had no fight in me except for this baby. I was going crazy in my head and I had no one to fall on. There I was again, alone, as always.

November 2nd,  2016, regular doctor appointment. Driving as usual, it is a rainy night. We argue on the way. I am crying, a panic attack is boiling, the nurses want me to talk about it. I can’t. I just cry silent tears. My blood pressure results are sky high, they take it again, same outcome. I am rushed to get to the hospital. The word. That one word. Preeclampsia. Thankfully I get to the hospital and there is no trace of it. Relief swept over me. We are sent home.

November 16th, 2016. She kept me up all night stretching in my belly. Work is coming, my belly is aching. But it isn’t contractions.I am starving. A cheeseburger and fries. This is NOT common. Especially at 900. This aching keeps getting worse, and the pressure is unbearable. 1130 I call my doc, they tell me go to the hospital, again. I am 4cm, but I had been that much for almost 3 weeks. If I am contracting I can not tell due to the aches and pressure. I get hooked up to the machine, my blood pressure is too high for comfort. Preeclampsia shows it’s ugly head, but seems to be minuscule as they are about to send me home. For some reason they decide to monitor me and the baby for another hour. Contractions, 25 mins…..14 mins….3 mins…..3 mins…..and the blood pressure sky rockets. The urine test, yes I have preeclampsia, the blood work, it is confirmed. For our safety, she needs to get out asap. Wait, my baby is only 34 1/2 weeks! I am given magnesium for the preeclampsia which is said to make me drowsy. I am induced, it is about 1pm. I have not felt at one time tired. I get the epidural….around 130am I start feeling pressure. I tell the doc. I am now 10 cm and the baby is ready to walk out! She comes at 209am, she is tiny, she is beautiful, I get to hold her for maybe 1 minute and she is whisked away to SCU. Because of the magnesium I have to stay in bed(can’t even get up to pee) for exactly 48 hours. I will not be able to see my daughter until November 19th @ 209am. I do not sleep for those 48 hours. While he had to take care of the kids at home, there was alone time. I wanted my daughter. How can I have a baby and not see her? Not hold her? I did not sleep one wink…..finally November 19th at 210am I was brought to the SCU and got to see my baby. She was hooked up to wires, feeding tube and she was so tiny, but she immediately became the love of my life! It hurt so much to see her like that and to know that I couldn’t hold her. Just look and touch. I went back to my room and still, no sleep. At 730am my new nurse for the day came in and during our talk, I mentioned that the last time I slept was November 15th. I was told I should be put on a Benadryl drip later that day when I was ready to sleep. I went to see the baby again, ate, and then……….

My best friend, she was supposed to be at my wedding that Saturday, of course plans changed. Knowing what I was going through I guess I naturally assumed she would come to the hospital. Her man told mine that they were coming, I mean she IS my best friend and this is one of the hardest times in my life. Scrolling through FB I see a post of hers stating that she is going ghost for the weekend with her man, no phones no interruptions. I ask, this is a joke? She responds no. So no visit? No.With all that is going on I start crying, I need her, she’s my BEST FRIEND! My man was supposed to pick her up from work and take her and my daughter to her place. Things happened on our end and that ended up not happening. She texts and says she’s ready at 5. I tell her what came up and that the plans need to change. the IV drip has already begun. I get a text from her stating basically I am lying, she is going through a lot and she can’t see my daughter “like that” tells me not to respond. Unfriends me on FB. I send her a text saying we are no longer friends. I block her #, FB and anything I can think of and breakdown. Panic attack on 10. Why would she do this to me now???? At this time???? She broke my heart that day.

Another “friend” I promise to come see you…….nothing. My sister came as always, but she doesn’t really get my depth of struggle. I was alone, abandoned, as always. I just wanted someone that got it and I wanted my baby. I got neither.

My oldest son, who’s real father hasn’t seen him since he was 9 mons(he’s now 15 yrs), his step father who abused him and has been locked up for almost 2 years…..he now wants to say he misses him, needs him and is now depressed and crying. My other kids, I want, I can’t do that, no. Does no one in my life understand what is going on with me? Hw much does everyone think I can take? Why can’t anyone just be there for me and say “I got this” and really mean it without me having to run things from behind the curtain. What does it take for it to be just about what I need? And then at that moment, I needed everyone to be my backbone for once.

My daughter was having jitters, which could turn into seizures, she had 2 ultrasounds of her brain to check for blood, she had to withdraw off of the magnesium, then had to withdraw off the Zoloft, then had to learn how to be a baby. All of which was my fault. If I wasn’t so fucked up, she would’ve had none of these problems. And as her Mother, I could do nothing to help her.

Sunday, November 20th, I am in a drug induced sleep. 7am, cheerful nurse, cheerfully tells me I am going home. Hands me a depression form, needs it filled out before I can leave. No, I can’t. So I avoid it. My doc comes in, tells me there is no rush, take my time. He understands it is hard. I go to see the baby a few times, the cheery nurse comes in a couple times always with this damn depression form! I am not sure how much or how long I cried that day. How do I walk out of this hospital with no baby? She was just in my stomach 5 days ago. Now she’s not. She isn’t in my arms. She won’t be at home with me. How? How do I do this????? The crying and the depression is just getting worse. Her comes the cheerful nurse. “Do you need someone to talk to”? No. 10 mins later, a disconnected social worker. Please get out. I start packing up my things, ok I have to go, if I don’t do it now I never will. Depression form filled out. Question Have you thought about hurting yourself. Yes. That answer, as truthful as it was, turned out to be detrimental. Nurse goes into a frenzy, waiting in my room for 2 hours being told nothing. Finally a doc comes in to talk to me. Why are you here? The answer. Look, I thought about it yes, why wouldn’t I??? Will I go through with it? NO! My doc tells these people, look, she’s going home without her baby, she missed her wedding, she already has depression, she has children at home she hasn’t seen in 5 days….like HELLO!!!!!! So that was just the final topping to this horrible experience. All I wanted was my baby. I did not get to walk out of that hospital with her until 8 days later.

This experience was the absolute hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat, but it did make it crystal clear to me how mentally alone I really am. If I don’t stay strong I will lose the battle. I have let people in my life that I will chase down to make sure that they are ok, but will put themselves first when I need a shoulder to cry on, which isn’t often. I carry a novel of problems, issues, stress, pain, heartbreak and guilt inside of me and try every morning when I wake up to make it seem like everything is ok.

When strong is all you can be………



A Dream That I Can’t Sleep Through

3 years…..3 years I have wanted someone, thinking that maybe one day we would be together, but knowing that as the years passed it wouldn’t happen. As many times as we had attempted, it was just never the time. To me he was as close to perfect as one could get, could always make me laugh, had life goals, the same drive as I, hard working, self sufficient, fine af, and the list goes on. We remained friends no matter what. I think that I fell in love with him the first time I heard his voice. We’re from different states, so it as love at first call, not site. From the way he talked, he was the exact opposite of every man that i had known.

3 years later we finally decide to give it a go. I wanted it to be different. I wanted me and him to be the exact opposite of all out past relationships. That is the vision that we both had. For a while that is exactly what we did. If there was an argument, there was an I love you regardless if the argument had ended or not. I loved him so much, i cried for hours when we had to part, if I wasn’t on the phone with him, I was thinking about him. My every second of every minute of everyday was him. It was a dream come true. He was my dream come true…….until he wasn’t.

I don’t know if it was me, and all my issues, and the whole transition of the way life was taking me, or if it was him, and all his issues and the way life was taking him, but somehow we lost each other on the journey. I understand now what the honeymoon stage is…..I believe that it ruins relationships. When it is over all that everything is, is compared to everything that was, and it is never good enough. Do you love someone any less after? Now……now it is just robotic. Making it through the day. Not talking, not good enough, not anything like it was. Did he push me too far? Did I not stop what I knew was wrong? Maybe I didn’t even realize how bad it was getting, until it was too late.

I don’t want to be the one that compares one relationship to another, I try my best not to take out my past relationships on the present or judge the future. With the PTSD this is a much harder task than one may think. The wrong thing said, a look, an action from the new can put me right back into the old. How can someone know that they trigger me when I am not even aware. And if there has been equivalent damage done at the minimum….how does that affect the way that I perceive the day by day. How can I not compare the two. How can I explain my hurt to one that doesn’t understand the mental that ignites it? How do I tell someone that the pain is constant, that one minute of hurt stays in me everyday. Should that change my perception of the way I feel the love that I have? Is the fact that I trusted someone who knew my past to not hurt me, but then did and it is justified in “I am nothing like the rest” How do you explain that no you are nothing like the rest, but the hurt I feel is exactly the same.

I want to be lost in the bliss again……I hate that it was taken from me. I want to cry of sadness when we part, I want to miss him every minute of the day, I want him to hold me and make me feel that nothing in the world can get to me, I want to be so secure that I know he would never hurt me………………………….but that was the honeymoon phase. That was before that one visit, the weird vibe, the one phone call. I was so close to be as happy as I can be, and now, I am just content, on some days. The strength that it takes to act like I am not hurting inside is exhausting. I feel that I have to keep on because I do not want to give up, I do not want this to be over, I am marrying this man. I am afraid that when I am saying “I do” will I be able to look him in the eyes and not think of all the words that should’ve never been said.