A Dream That I Can’t Sleep Through

3 years…..3 years I have wanted someone, thinking that maybe one day we would be together, but knowing that as the years passed it wouldn’t happen. As many times as we had attempted, it was just never the time. To me he was as close to perfect as one could get, could always make me laugh, had life goals, the same drive as I, hard working, self sufficient, fine af, and the list goes on. We remained friends no matter what. I think that I fell in love with him the first time I heard his voice. We’re from different states, so it as love at first call, not site. From the way he talked, he was the exact opposite of every man that i had known.

3 years later we finally decide to give it a go. I wanted it to be different. I wanted me and him to be the exact opposite of all out past relationships. That is the vision that we both had. For a while that is exactly what we did. If there was an argument, there was an I love you regardless if the argument had ended or not. I loved him so much, i cried for hours when we had to part, if I wasn’t on the phone with him, I was thinking about him. My every second of every minute of everyday was him. It was a dream come true. He was my dream come true…….until he wasn’t.

I don’t know if it was me, and all my issues, and the whole transition of the way life was taking me, or if it was him, and all his issues and the way life was taking him, but somehow we lost each other on the journey. I understand now what the honeymoon stage is…..I believe that it ruins relationships. When it is over all that everything is, is compared to everything that was, and it is never good enough. Do you love someone any less after? Now……now it is just robotic. Making it through the day. Not talking, not good enough, not anything like it was. Did he push me too far? Did I not stop what I knew was wrong? Maybe I didn’t even realize how bad it was getting, until it was too late.

I don’t want to be the one that compares one relationship to another, I try my best not to take out my past relationships on the present or judge the future. With the PTSD this is a much harder task than one may think. The wrong thing said, a look, an action from the new can put me right back into the old. How can someone know that they trigger me when I am not even aware. And if there has been equivalent damage done at the minimum….how does that affect the way that I perceive the day by day. How can I not compare the two. How can I explain my hurt to one that doesn’t understand the mental that ignites it? How do I tell someone that the pain is constant, that one minute of hurt stays in me everyday. Should that change my perception of the way I feel the love that I have? Is the fact that I trusted someone who knew my past to not hurt me, but then did and it is justified in “I am nothing like the rest” How do you explain that no you are nothing like the rest, but the hurt I feel is exactly the same.

I want to be lost in the bliss again……I hate that it was taken from me. I want to cry of sadness when we part, I want to miss him every minute of the day, I want him to hold me and make me feel that nothing in the world can get to me, I want to be so secure that I know he would never hurt me………………………….but that was the honeymoon phase. That was before that one visit, the weird vibe, the one phone call. I was so close to be as happy as I can be, and now, I am just content, on some days. The strength that it takes to act like I am not hurting inside is exhausting. I feel that I have to keep on because I do not want to give up, I do not want this to be over, I am marrying this man. I am afraid that when I am saying “I do” will I be able to look him in the eyes and not think of all the words that should’ve never been said.

 

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