Too Much Is Just Never Enough

I don’t get why people think that they can throw everything on my shoulders and think that I will just handle it. Maybe because I’ve always put on a front that I can handle any and everything. Or maybe because there has never been one person that has let me fall on them, and they actually catch me. Whichever it is……….I can’t anymore.

How in the world am I supposed to hold down my job, bills, kids, a household, all my mental incapacitates AND everyone else’s shit? Why do I have to point out to anyone that it is TOO much? When is it time for anyone else to think “hey I probably shouldn’t say or do this to her cuz this might be the last straw”. Thinking that leads me to believe that no one really gives a fuck about me or anything that I go through. I believe that I should be surrounded by people that respect my struggle as I would accept theirs. But no. All I say and do is wrong. No matter the situation. It’s never good enough and I am always the reason that it fails.

You know I can accept my fails, my responsibilities and my decisions without blaming anyone else. Why the hell can’t everyone that “cares’ do the same? Why am I the blame for another adults actions? Like how?????????? Then I am the bad one when I need to escape. I have absolutely nothing left to give.

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The Sea of Tears Behind the Dam

How is it that sometimes my dam is built like the Great Wall of China, other times like it is built of cotton balls. I am not sure what makes me cry and not cry. I can come up with a million and one reasons…..but the main one, I am lonely. I am so fucking lonely. I have not one friend that actually checks up on me if we don’t talk. My Mom, well, we only text maybe once a week, my sister, we text everyday but only funny shit. Same as the “friend” I do have.I feel whenever I talk about me, or my issues, the subject gets changed. Or I get the “I’m sorry”. I don’t have anyone to call and say I need you and have them show up. I have had friends when if the needed me I would be right there no matter what was going on. I have never gotten that in return. Everyone in my life is always too busy. I don’t reach out to anyone b\c I know that I am going to be rejected. I feel nothing inside, but then I am overwhelmed with sadness. I am so tired of being tossed to the side, or ignored. It’s like people think that they don’t have to help because someone else will. That someone never comes. It makes me cry all the time. I have so much going on with me and I feel so alone going through it. “You’re such a strong person” I swear if one more person tells me that! If I was that strong I wouldn’t need anybody, and I would be conquering this shit instead of letting it break me down piece by piece.

I can sit here and say I want someone to be there for me, but my deep thought is everyone just leave me the fuck alone! This shit is so confusing. If one was sad & lonely they would make it a priority to change that. Not me. I don’t think I even want more friends. My sister is the closest thing I think that I have to a friend and she is always too busy on her phone to have any kind of serious conversation. I just want someone to get it without me having to explain it and answer 100 questions.

I just can’t life anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Happy Depression

Ahhhhhhhhh, if this doesn’t hit my life on a daily basis.

I should be completely content with my life. My kids are healthy, I have a good paying job, a man that loves me, a roof over my head, food in the fridge, a car to make it to and from, clean clothes, a family that will go to the end of the earth to help me, so why I am so sad all the time?

All I want to do everyday is take as many pills that I can to numb reality. My reality isn’t even that bad to hide from. My past in mixing in with my present and it is turning everything that is good to bad.

I just don’t know how much longer I can do this. I am so tired and physically and mentally exhausted from it all. I honestly just want to give up. it is now 30 years later of non stop pain and torture…..WHEN DOES IT END? When do I get a little bit of peace. Why was I the one chosen to go through some kind of hell every single day. I am so scared that my breaking point is near.

No one sees it. No one gets it. Oh it will get better they say…..WHEN? Just try not to think about it. HOW?? I don’t have anyone to talk to about this that just gets it.

Why did I have to go out of my way to help him and be there for him. I thought that he deserved a chance because it was never given to him. Turns out he is just like his parents. Waiting for the chance to fuck me. Letting me give my all just to throw it in my face. the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life was meeting and talking to that ass hole. I was in love and he destroyed me. He broke me. I let him in and he killed me in the inside and tried many times on the out. And she was his partner. I was good to both of them. All I wanted to do was help. Just like with their son. For that???? I have to take pills everyday for the rest of my life to manage the damage that they did. I have to avoid certain songs, certain areas, certain hospitals, certain foods, all because of these 2 people that invaded my soul.

I feel a breakdown coming soon and I am scared. I don’t want to go through that.I just want to be in my home, with my family, and my man that loves me with everything he has and just make all this past pain go away!!!! I want the memories to leave, and never come back. Who the fuck were these 2 people to come into my life and ruin me??????????? I can never be happy, I can never enjoy simple things. I am frightened that all this pain and sadness that won’t go away is going to make him leave me and I have no idea what I would do in this world without him. 😦 It scares the fuck outta me!!!!!!!!!!!