A Happy Depression

Ahhhhhhhhh, if this doesn’t hit my life on a daily basis.

I should be completely content with my life. My kids are healthy, I have a good paying job, a man that loves me, a roof over my head, food in the fridge, a car to make it to and from, clean clothes, a family that will go to the end of the earth to help me, so why I am so sad all the time?

All I want to do everyday is take as many pills that I can to numb reality. My reality isn’t even that bad to hide from. My past in mixing in with my present and it is turning everything that is good to bad.

I just don’t know how much longer I can do this. I am so tired and physically and mentally exhausted from it all. I honestly just want to give up. it is now 30 years later of non stop pain and torture…..WHEN DOES IT END? When do I get a little bit of peace. Why was I the one chosen to go through some kind of hell every single day. I am so scared that my breaking point is near.

No one sees it. No one gets it. Oh it will get better they say…..WHEN? Just try not to think about it. HOW?? I don’t have anyone to talk to about this that just gets it.

Why did I have to go out of my way to help him and be there for him. I thought that he deserved a chance because it was never given to him. Turns out he is just like his parents. Waiting for the chance to fuck me. Letting me give my all just to throw it in my face. the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life was meeting and talking to that ass hole. I was in love and he destroyed me. He broke me. I let him in and he killed me in the inside and tried many times on the out. And she was his partner. I was good to both of them. All I wanted to do was help. Just like with their son. For that???? I have to take pills everyday for the rest of my life to manage the damage that they did. I have to avoid certain songs, certain areas, certain hospitals, certain foods, all because of these 2 people that invaded my soul.

I feel a breakdown coming soon and I am scared. I don’t want to go through that.I just want to be in my home, with my family, and my man that loves me with everything he has and just make all this past pain go away!!!! I want the memories to leave, and never come back. Who the fuck were these 2 people to come into my life and ruin me??????????? I can never be happy, I can never enjoy simple things. I am frightened that all this pain and sadness that won’t go away is going to make him leave me and I have no idea what I would do in this world without him. 😦 It scares the fuck outta me!!!!!!!!!!!

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