How is it that sometimes my dam is built like the Great Wall of China, other times like it is built of cotton balls. I am not sure what makes me cry and not cry. I can come up with a million and one reasons…..but the main one, I am lonely. I am so fucking lonely. I have not one friend that actually checks up on me if we don’t talk. My Mom, well, we only text maybe once a week, my sister, we text everyday but only funny shit. Same as the “friend” I do have.I feel whenever I talk about me, or my issues, the subject gets changed. Or I get the “I’m sorry”. I don’t have anyone to call and say I need you and have them show up. I have had friends when if the needed me I would be right there no matter what was going on. I have never gotten that in return. Everyone in my life is always too busy. I don’t reach out to anyone b\c I know that I am going to be rejected. I feel nothing inside, but then I am overwhelmed with sadness. I am so tired of being tossed to the side, or ignored. It’s like people think that they don’t have to help because someone else will. That someone never comes. It makes me cry all the time. I have so much going on with me and I feel so alone going through it. “You’re such a strong person” I swear if one more person tells me that! If I was that strong I wouldn’t need anybody, and I would be conquering this shit instead of letting it break me down piece by piece.
I can sit here and say I want someone to be there for me, but my deep thought is everyone just leave me the fuck alone! This shit is so confusing. If one was sad & lonely they would make it a priority to change that. Not me. I don’t think I even want more friends. My sister is the closest thing I think that I have to a friend and she is always too busy on her phone to have any kind of serious conversation. I just want someone to get it without me having to explain it and answer 100 questions.
I just can’t life anymore.