Like A Deflated Balloon

This is how it is. Filled with excitement and blurred happiness, then someone comes along with a tac and deflates you.

This weekend was one of the worse times of my life. I ma not married. I did not attend my grandparents 70th anniversary. My daughter was shunned by a man whom I thought loved her. I am not in love. I am barely alive. On the inside I am broken. Deflated.

Why did you chose THIS weekend to stand up for yourself??? Why didn’t you do it last weekend, next weekend, last year any time but when I was at the most peaceful time? I know the depression is my fault, I own that til the day I die, but for all the knowledge I have tried to give you, you own the triggers. If I didn’t have all these damn mental problems, I know I wouldn’t be in this situation, but I also know that if you had taken the time to understand them, we wouldn’t be in this situation.

Why did you make this all about you? Why did you make my sister cry because I ruined this weekend? What did she do to you? Why is my mental state about you? Why do you hold us to this idea of perfection when you know that we are the furthest thing from it? I love you and honor you and respect you, but sometimes we just need you to be our Mom. Not judge us, not get mad at us, not talk down to us like we are nothing. When you spoke to my son in that way, you triggered my childhood. I know you did your best in a situation that was damn near impossible to overcome, but did you not learn from the mistakes you did make? You have always been there for me. But you have never helped save me.

You….you are the ideal of perfection. You took on 2 horrible spoiled kids and made them your own. You now have 6 grandkids that I know for a fact they are more yours than any could be. 31 years later. 31 hard, long, horrible, hellish, lonely, frightening years later, I finally heard it. “I’m proud of you”. You for some reason, get it more than my Mom. All of the hell and sleepless nights I have put you through, you are still there, by my side now more than ever. Saying good bye to you this time was the hardest thing to do. I wanted to run after you. I needed that protective hug for just a couple more seconds. You are the only person in this world that I know would take away all of my pain and suffering. No matter what my blood says, YOU are my dad. You are the only one that has always been there no matter what.

I am trying SO hard to get back to my version of normal. This depression is just stuck in me. I need something. Idk what though.

Yes I do. I want my Dad.

…….

Should’ve never admitted I was happy. Should’ve never showed up. Should’ve never said yes. Should’ve never failed all those attempts.

Depression u won. U finally beat me. I give up. I will no longer fight u. I will never defeat u. U made my family leave. U made my man despise me. I’m sitting here with u. U are all I have now.

Depression I fucking hate u! Why are u even here? I just wish u would go away.

Wow

I can’t explain this as anything else.

 

My parents are here, this is the first time that I have seen them since I have been diagnosed. I woke up this morning in absolute peace. I have such a calm over me it is scary. It is scary because I think that when they leave I am going to fall apart.

We seem closer this time. There isn’t an awkward silence between me and my Dad. We actually sat next to each other at dinner! I am usually down with the kids. It is like they are actually happy to see me and I have honestly never felt that from them before. Especially my Dad.

I don’t get it. This is what I have wanted to feel around them and with them my whole life and I finally have it! I don’t ever want to go back to feeling like my parents don’t love me and that I am no good enough. This visit I don’t think could’ve come at a better time. Just a couple of days ago I was really ready to just give up, not end it all, but not fight the sorrow anymore. Now, I feel almost the exact opposite. Even changed my mind on getting married. I really believe that my depression is influencing my decision making in a negative way and I don’t know how to separate that. It is really frustrating.

This is moving toward off topic. I am just amazed at how at peace that I am in with them being here and how different things are. I honestly couldn’t even be more pleased on how this is going. I am afraid to say that though. I don’t want things to end up going horribly wrong like always.