I Know Others Have It Worse

But I can’t help sitting here thinking that this is the worse I have been mentally. I am so fucking sad, i don’t know what to do. I am so alone, I am so sad, I am so unhappy, I want to give up. I cant of course, but I want to. I don’t have anyone. At home, alone. At work, alone. When it comes to friends, alone. In my relationship, alone. With family, alone. No one ever asks how I’m doing, no one ever listens when I need them to. I don’t have one single person that I can call and that will be there for me, with a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to listen to. The only time that I get spoken to is when someone wants something. Everyone acts like everything is just fine with me. No one takes the time to listen or to try to understand.  When I make jokes, everyone responds. When people see that something is wrong, I get ignored. When I do try to open up, it is like I am bothering whoever I am talking to. Then when I do tell anyone that I want to go out, the first thing that I get is “You better not be crabby”. They just don’t get that I have no control over this! Do they think that if I really had a choice, that this is how I would be?

Like A Deflated Balloon

This is how it is. Filled with excitement and blurred happiness, then someone comes along with a tac and deflates you.

This weekend was one of the worse times of my life. I ma not married. I did not attend my grandparents 70th anniversary. My daughter was shunned by a man whom I thought loved her. I am not in love. I am barely alive. On the inside I am broken. Deflated.

Why did you chose THIS weekend to stand up for yourself??? Why didn’t you do it last weekend, next weekend, last year any time but when I was at the most peaceful time? I know the depression is my fault, I own that til the day I die, but for all the knowledge I have tried to give you, you own the triggers. If I didn’t have all these damn mental problems, I know I wouldn’t be in this situation, but I also know that if you had taken the time to understand them, we wouldn’t be in this situation.

Why did you make this all about you? Why did you make my sister cry because I ruined this weekend? What did she do to you? Why is my mental state about you? Why do you hold us to this idea of perfection when you know that we are the furthest thing from it? I love you and honor you and respect you, but sometimes we just need you to be our Mom. Not judge us, not get mad at us, not talk down to us like we are nothing. When you spoke to my son in that way, you triggered my childhood. I know you did your best in a situation that was damn near impossible to overcome, but did you not learn from the mistakes you did make? You have always been there for me. But you have never helped save me.

You….you are the ideal of perfection. You took on 2 horrible spoiled kids and made them your own. You now have 6 grandkids that I know for a fact they are more yours than any could be. 31 years later. 31 hard, long, horrible, hellish, lonely, frightening years later, I finally heard it. “I’m proud of you”. You for some reason, get it more than my Mom. All of the hell and sleepless nights I have put you through, you are still there, by my side now more than ever. Saying good bye to you this time was the hardest thing to do. I wanted to run after you. I needed that protective hug for just a couple more seconds. You are the only person in this world that I know would take away all of my pain and suffering. No matter what my blood says, YOU are my dad. You are the only one that has always been there no matter what.

I am trying SO hard to get back to my version of normal. This depression is just stuck in me. I need something. Idk what though.

Yes I do. I want my Dad.

Wow

I can’t explain this as anything else.

 

My parents are here, this is the first time that I have seen them since I have been diagnosed. I woke up this morning in absolute peace. I have such a calm over me it is scary. It is scary because I think that when they leave I am going to fall apart.

We seem closer this time. There isn’t an awkward silence between me and my Dad. We actually sat next to each other at dinner! I am usually down with the kids. It is like they are actually happy to see me and I have honestly never felt that from them before. Especially my Dad.

I don’t get it. This is what I have wanted to feel around them and with them my whole life and I finally have it! I don’t ever want to go back to feeling like my parents don’t love me and that I am no good enough. This visit I don’t think could’ve come at a better time. Just a couple of days ago I was really ready to just give up, not end it all, but not fight the sorrow anymore. Now, I feel almost the exact opposite. Even changed my mind on getting married. I really believe that my depression is influencing my decision making in a negative way and I don’t know how to separate that. It is really frustrating.

This is moving toward off topic. I am just amazed at how at peace that I am in with them being here and how different things are. I honestly couldn’t even be more pleased on how this is going. I am afraid to say that though. I don’t want things to end up going horribly wrong like always.

Too Much Is Just Never Enough

I don’t get why people think that they can throw everything on my shoulders and think that I will just handle it. Maybe because I’ve always put on a front that I can handle any and everything. Or maybe because there has never been one person that has let me fall on them, and they actually catch me. Whichever it is……….I can’t anymore.

How in the world am I supposed to hold down my job, bills, kids, a household, all my mental incapacitates AND everyone else’s shit? Why do I have to point out to anyone that it is TOO much? When is it time for anyone else to think “hey I probably shouldn’t say or do this to her cuz this might be the last straw”. Thinking that leads me to believe that no one really gives a fuck about me or anything that I go through. I believe that I should be surrounded by people that respect my struggle as I would accept theirs. But no. All I say and do is wrong. No matter the situation. It’s never good enough and I am always the reason that it fails.

You know I can accept my fails, my responsibilities and my decisions without blaming anyone else. Why the hell can’t everyone that “cares’ do the same? Why am I the blame for another adults actions? Like how?????????? Then I am the bad one when I need to escape. I have absolutely nothing left to give.

The Sea of Tears Behind the Dam

How is it that sometimes my dam is built like the Great Wall of China, other times like it is built of cotton balls. I am not sure what makes me cry and not cry. I can come up with a million and one reasons…..but the main one, I am lonely. I am so fucking lonely. I have not one friend that actually checks up on me if we don’t talk. My Mom, well, we only text maybe once a week, my sister, we text everyday but only funny shit. Same as the “friend” I do have.I feel whenever I talk about me, or my issues, the subject gets changed. Or I get the “I’m sorry”. I don’t have anyone to call and say I need you and have them show up. I have had friends when if the needed me I would be right there no matter what was going on. I have never gotten that in return. Everyone in my life is always too busy. I don’t reach out to anyone b\c I know that I am going to be rejected. I feel nothing inside, but then I am overwhelmed with sadness. I am so tired of being tossed to the side, or ignored. It’s like people think that they don’t have to help because someone else will. That someone never comes. It makes me cry all the time. I have so much going on with me and I feel so alone going through it. “You’re such a strong person” I swear if one more person tells me that! If I was that strong I wouldn’t need anybody, and I would be conquering this shit instead of letting it break me down piece by piece.

I can sit here and say I want someone to be there for me, but my deep thought is everyone just leave me the fuck alone! This shit is so confusing. If one was sad & lonely they would make it a priority to change that. Not me. I don’t think I even want more friends. My sister is the closest thing I think that I have to a friend and she is always too busy on her phone to have any kind of serious conversation. I just want someone to get it without me having to explain it and answer 100 questions.

I just can’t life anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Happy Depression

Ahhhhhhhhh, if this doesn’t hit my life on a daily basis.

I should be completely content with my life. My kids are healthy, I have a good paying job, a man that loves me, a roof over my head, food in the fridge, a car to make it to and from, clean clothes, a family that will go to the end of the earth to help me, so why I am so sad all the time?

All I want to do everyday is take as many pills that I can to numb reality. My reality isn’t even that bad to hide from. My past in mixing in with my present and it is turning everything that is good to bad.

I just don’t know how much longer I can do this. I am so tired and physically and mentally exhausted from it all. I honestly just want to give up. it is now 30 years later of non stop pain and torture…..WHEN DOES IT END? When do I get a little bit of peace. Why was I the one chosen to go through some kind of hell every single day. I am so scared that my breaking point is near.

No one sees it. No one gets it. Oh it will get better they say…..WHEN? Just try not to think about it. HOW?? I don’t have anyone to talk to about this that just gets it.

Why did I have to go out of my way to help him and be there for him. I thought that he deserved a chance because it was never given to him. Turns out he is just like his parents. Waiting for the chance to fuck me. Letting me give my all just to throw it in my face. the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life was meeting and talking to that ass hole. I was in love and he destroyed me. He broke me. I let him in and he killed me in the inside and tried many times on the out. And she was his partner. I was good to both of them. All I wanted to do was help. Just like with their son. For that???? I have to take pills everyday for the rest of my life to manage the damage that they did. I have to avoid certain songs, certain areas, certain hospitals, certain foods, all because of these 2 people that invaded my soul.

I feel a breakdown coming soon and I am scared. I don’t want to go through that.I just want to be in my home, with my family, and my man that loves me with everything he has and just make all this past pain go away!!!! I want the memories to leave, and never come back. Who the fuck were these 2 people to come into my life and ruin me??????????? I can never be happy, I can never enjoy simple things. I am frightened that all this pain and sadness that won’t go away is going to make him leave me and I have no idea what I would do in this world without him. 😦 It scares the fuck outta me!!!!!!!!!!!