I can’t explain this as anything else.
My parents are here, this is the first time that I have seen them since I have been diagnosed. I woke up this morning in absolute peace. I have such a calm over me it is scary. It is scary because I think that when they leave I am going to fall apart.
We seem closer this time. There isn’t an awkward silence between me and my Dad. We actually sat next to each other at dinner! I am usually down with the kids. It is like they are actually happy to see me and I have honestly never felt that from them before. Especially my Dad.
I don’t get it. This is what I have wanted to feel around them and with them my whole life and I finally have it! I don’t ever want to go back to feeling like my parents don’t love me and that I am no good enough. This visit I don’t think could’ve come at a better time. Just a couple of days ago I was really ready to just give up, not end it all, but not fight the sorrow anymore. Now, I feel almost the exact opposite. Even changed my mind on getting married. I really believe that my depression is influencing my decision making in a negative way and I don’t know how to separate that. It is really frustrating.
This is moving toward off topic. I am just amazed at how at peace that I am in with them being here and how different things are. I honestly couldn’t even be more pleased on how this is going. I am afraid to say that though. I don’t want things to end up going horribly wrong like always.